28 September 2008

All I want is some bacon

28 Sept 2008

"All I Want is Some Bacon"

The butterfly effect is a phrase that encapsulates the more technical notion of sensitive dependence on initial conditions in chaos theory. Small variations of the initial condition of a dynamical system may produce large variations in the long term behavior of the system. So this is sometimes presented as esoteric behavior, but can be exhibited by very simple systems: for example, a ball placed at the crest of a hill might roll into any of several valleys depending on slight differences in initial position.


The phrase refers to the idea that a butterfly's wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may ultimately alter the path of a tornado or delay, accelerate or even prevent the occurrence of a tornado in a certain location. The flapping wing represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale alterations of events. Had the butterfly not flapped its wings, the trajectory of the system might have been vastly different. Of course the butterfly cannot literally cause a tornado. The kinetic energy in a tornado is enormously larger than the energy in the turbulence of a butterfly. The kinetic energy of a tornado is ultimately provided by the sun and the butterfly can only influence certain details of weather events in a chaotic manner.

Recurrence, the approximate return of a system towards its initial conditions, together with sensitive dependence on initial conditions are the two main ingredients for chaotic motion. They have the practical consequence of making complex systems, such as the weather, difficult to predict past a certain time range (approximately a week in the case of weather).

So....What does this all mean?

Well, it has to do with a girl...who just wanted some bacon.

0930 Hours

It is not often that, on the day of the Lord (Sunday for all you non-Christians or who think that The Church of the Horizontal Mattress is an acceptable gathering place to  worship your lord Sony and his son ESPN), one in a big, white box can partake in, what is considered, the most important meal of the day and furthermore enjoy said meal before they have to go and participate in everyone's second favorite game "The Discharge Shuffle"  (The first favorite being "Let's Bury Grandpa!" but that is another story for another time).

Yes, this is the game folks where some unsuspecting patient will get a visit by Danielle and myself, totally suprised, and inform them that their visit is over and it is time to move on to the next level....the skilled nursing facility where the less than enthused registered nurse will be responsible for seeing you only twice a day only to give you your meds and tell you that just because you shit yourself, you really aren't smelling the fermented Serta that you lay in and it is all in your head despite the flies that have already sold property somewhere close to your rectum....Okay...you get the jist of it.

So, with an hour before we have to run to make-up and pull out our polyester suits, we decided to go and throw some groceries down our throats seeing this was a rare oppurtunity that most likely won't happen again until sometime in the spring of 2039. 

Now, with Danielle and myself, we usually alternate as to where we will dine when we duck under the radar of Dispatcherus...the God of Lubeless Anal Insertion seeing that the squads all have GPS locators in them.  Yesterday, my choice.....

Ahh....the Liquid Plumber for the human body.

Which means that today, it was Danielle's choice as to where we shall destine to in order to raise our chlorestrol. Danielle's answer...

"I don't care..I just want...


(Of course she wanted it cooked. She knows all the cool kids are doing the E-Coli thing but she wants to follow her own drummer.)

Bacon. A respectable choice for one's breakfast side dish.  I think it is a food group anyways.

So, off we went. Two blocks from a little diner where the sweet smell of pancakes were already filling the squad.  I could taste the maple syrup as I turned on my right blinker to enter establishment.  In 50 feet, it was a number one combo with a large orange juice.  In 50 feet, Danielle was prepared to eat half a pig all by herself.  In 50 feet, the day was going to start off with a bang for us.



Yeah...we got our sign alright....I think it said E. 73rd and Euclid.

At least that is what it said as it draped next to the car that ended, ironically, 50 feet in front of our location after it REAR-ENDED US!!!!

Okay...let me paint the picture for you.  There are only TWO cars on the road at this time of morning.  Us...In a BIG WHITE FUCKING AMBULANCE....

 (For those of you who need visual aids)

And them...driving a piece of shit Dodge Stratus.

(This car is in prestine condition as to the one that decided to take us out like a fat kid in a dodgeball game.)


Danielle looked like this:


This is what I turned in:

Okay...time to multi task...then say a whole lot of bad words.

Danielle ran into the restaurant where, by some grace of God, were two Cleveland Police Officers who, like us..were trying to ingest some homemade goodness...

 (Blonde not included).

I called into dispatch.

Dispatcher: Dispatch

Me: Hey. It's 18. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Dispatcher: Let me have the bad news first?

Me: We just got rear-ended and the squad is undriveable.

Dispatcher: (There is immediate shuffling of paper in the backround and a change in the voice) Are you alright?!?!

Me: Yes, for now.

Dispatcher:  I will get police out there now for you, how are the other people in the car?

Me:  Police are already here. Danielle is checking on the others.

Dispatcher: Wait. What is the good news?!?

Me: Gyro George has breakfast for only $2.99.

I think she dropped the phone.

As I hung up, Danielle was waving for me to come over and motioning for me to bring a C-collar.

(One of these).

Of COURSE you are hurt.

Getting the collars, Danielle went to get the jumpbag.

I came over to find two women who were dressed in their best "take me home, I am hot" which translates into "I may be fat, but I can still fit in this".

Me:  Hey. You Okay? (Now turning from victim to rescuer with a prominent pissed-off accent to my demeanor).

Driver:  (Sobbing) I thinkin k (Ghetto for "I don't seem to have any apparent injuries)

Me: Are you sure, because you just drove into an ambulance!!! (Pointing out the not so obvious to these idiots),

Now...riddle me this.  Why is it that EVERYTIME EMS rolls up on an accident, the first procedure we have to do is an Alltelectomy, which is the surgical removal of one's cell phone from there ear so that I can see just how banged up or full of shit they really are?!?!


It wasn't long after the big bang that the calvary arrived.

It also wasn't long after that the passenger who was "sleeping" when the accident happened, suddenly came down with SAS (Sudden Attention Syndrome..a case where one suddenly becomes more ill or injured when the population of emergency personnel increases dramatically and suddenly.) 

It seems that the passenger, who was dressed like a mutated lemon, all of a sudden had neck pain and felt "weak".   Now, before you all judge, I have to tell you that she had called EVERYONE in the 216 area code prior to anyone arriving bitching and moaning as to the fact that they were minding their own business, doing 40 in a 25 when our ambulance had the audacity to jump out in front and caused her friend, who was dressed like Ms. Glade Trash Bag 2008, to take us out in a blaze of glory.

Now, Police, Fire, and EMS were here to take the passengers of the, now mutalated car to the trauma center to have their injuries assessed which increased even more when they found out that they were going to get cited.  Figures.

Drama packaged....Drama departed.

Okay... NOW the pain is kicking in.

Because the drugs are kicking in for me, I will tell you that we got towed, went to the doctor, got some kickin' meds, and are now on light duty at the station from the bowels of hell starting tomorrow. 

Physical Therapy is to follow for a couple weeks but I have a feeling that we will be back on the truck sometime next week...when they find one for us.

All this....because of a girl...and her love for bacon.


Rounding Third and Heading Home,






12 September 2008

Moving on Up

12 Sept 2008

"Moving on Up"

Hey there all!!!

I just wanted to take a quick moment to let you know I am thinking of you and that I am on a small hiatus (if you couldn't tell).

I am in the process of moving and the job has been a little more tidious than I had hoped for.  Danielle has been helping me in her off time and her daughter has started school so both of us have not really been active on the computer.

Next week though, I should be back in full swing and boy, do we have lots to tell all of you.

So, until then, I bid you farewell for now and will chat with you all next week.

Rounding Third and Heading Home,