12 July 2007

So, you wanna be an EMT

12 July 2007

"So, You Want to be an EMT"

Remember as a kid hearing the siren somewhere close to where you were and getting on your bike with your best friends following the ambulance down the street to see who it was that needed help.

The red and white lights of the squad seemed to have that mesmerizing spell that drew you close like a mosquito to a bug zapper.

   (OOOooo...that is gonna leave a mark).

Then, there they were. The EMTs who seemed to emerge out of the truck in one of those movie slow motion sequences, walking toward the house where their services have been requested.  You stand on the tree lawn with all the other nosy neighbors standing on your tip toes trying to get a peek inside the house wondering what is actualling going on and if everyone is okay.  

You watch the patient coming out on the cot and in all their glory, the paramedics load him or her up and drive away similar to a cowboy riding into the sunset     (see the difference)

Oh, don't deny it...we all have done it.  Some of us grew out of it....

Now, add a beautiful, but hot summer day, your two best friends, and a fast vehicle, and you know what you get???


No, dumbass......(those gosh darn Dukes)




(Remember the "BIG DOG story...)

And introducing to the show.......Danielle

 (Say Hi, Danielle...)


(Oh, don't forget the vehicle........)

Now, for those of you who don't know the supporting cast, I will give you a brief rund down.

Bill is a professional firefighter for the city that I used to work in. I met Bill in a car that was upside down in the pouring rain around zero dark thirty in the morning while we were trying to get someone who what one too many Pabst Blue Ribbon and hyrdoplaned off the road.  Bill and I have become the best of friends and now he has come to work for me a few days a month.  Working with Bill is like being on vacation with your bestest buddy...and getting paid for it.  Life is good.

Throw Danielle into the mix.

I mean, what good is a great show unless you have a beautiful, talented, extremely intelligent, and did I mention beautiful, female to play opposite the lead characters. 

Danielle, I have known since late 1993 on accident (no, not the kind where you park your car into another) and we had become inseperable for the next eight months doing everything and anything together with our friends. 

For the record, because I know this is coming, we never dated. And I will leave it at that.

Anyways, Danielle, who is in marketing, wanted to see what life was like in the big, white box on wheels. So, what better way to show her than to have a couple of her best friends show her "Life as a Paramedic".

I hope she has insurance.

0855 Hours

It was already beginning to get really scorching hot and I knew that today was going to be one of those days where we were gonna work our asses off in some capacity.

Finishing up the morning cleaning details, my attention was turned by thesound a vehicle entering the lot and crunching the gravel as it found a shady spot.  As the dust began to settle, a figure emerged from beyond the tinted windows walking to greet both Bill and me ready to go fast and think even faster.

Today was Danielle's ride-a-long. And boy, we didn't want to disappoint her.

The morning started out with us showing her the equipment and detailing safety procedures in the event of Bill and I getting separated at an accident or other incident that requires both our attentions.  Our next stop was something a LOT more pressing but with just as much importance....

Going to Wakeman Hardware......

....which is an adventure in itself.

Walking into this store is kinda like sitting on the porch with the little boy who plays the banjo at the beginning of Deliverance.

 (Whew....I just got chills).

Oh sure, it has all the comforts of a hardware store, with the added bonus of smelling like the animal pens at the local county fair when the air conditioning isn't working and the wind is out of the south.

Today, our task was to get propane for the grill.   Getting in and getting back out would have been the most ideal of task, but once you are in, you are kinda intrigued as to what you can find.   One side of the store is the typical hardware part (minus the smell) where you can get drill bits, screws, gardening supplies, etc. 

The other side of the store is a combination, hunting/camping supply shop.   Warm clothing, lanterns, hunting and fishing licenses, automatic weapons....you know, everything you would find in the country.

For those of you who are paying attention, I DID say automatic weapons.  By this, I am not talking a 9mm Beretta   But a fully automatic M4 assault rifle like the Army uses.

 (okay, the grenade launcher was on backorder though.)

I guess this is for those who goes hunting and aren't a really good shot.

Don't ask...I really don't know.

Like DisneyWorld or any other favorite amusement park, everyone has a favorite ride or part of the park that always brings them closer and no matter how many times you see it, you have to go back due to sheer curiousity andintrigue.

For Danielle,  it is the "free, take one" basket.   Each day, it is something new, something exciting, something that will help your everyday life and change the way you live.

Today, it was "Toilet leak detector".

Hey....it was free.

Okay, let's get the hell out of Dodge before Dueling Banjoes starts playing.

Our next stop was the local Mickey Mart which is a Gas station/Subway/ATM/Local hang out.

Our item of choice...cancer sticks...I mean cigarettes. Bill needed to reload. Danielle needed her Lemon Lipton Iced Tea in the glass bottle.

 Accept no substitutes. Her Birthday is in February...Stock up now for her.

Now that we were stocked up on provisions and the essentials, it was time to get ready for work. Time to show her what she came to see. Time to clean the grammer and drop the hammer lights and sirens.  

I was ready, I was pumped, I was psyched. Any minute, a call would come in and we would be off into the wild blue yonder.  We would be ready, we would be equipped, we would be prepared.

We would only have to wait 4 seconds.

Not even getting into the squad, our attention was averted by the sound of metal on metal and a vehicle coming to rest with more parts scattered over the intersection than it came in with.

Damn it....here we go....

...to be continued.

Rounding Third and Heading Home,



05 July 2007

Top Ten Stupid Things Drunks Say After They Wreck

04 July 2007


"Top Ten Stupid Things Drunks Say After They Wreck"




Happy Fourth of July to you all!!!

Here we are celebrating Momma America's 231st Birthday by taking the day off from our labors and enjoying the mid-point of the summer solstice. 

For the layperson out there, we call this a holiday (hol-i-dey). (I put that in there for those of you out there who are like me which really have no meaning of what that word actually is.)

Whether you are cooking out, golfing on the links, sitting on the beach, or out watching pyrotechnics (professionally done of course), I am sure that it is time that is well spent with friends and family in order to recharge the overworked batteries that take us day to day.

For those of us in the civil service field, we call it Trauma Season. (trou-mah, see-zuhn).

And might you ask as to what this really means.....

Well, open up another Vernors .  Grab your favorite lawn chair.., and let me entertain you....

Now, with every holiday, there is this thing I like to call alcohol (al-kuh-haul).  By, itself, it is a fun, mind numbing substance that should be taken in moderation (mod-uh-rey-shuh).  When this moderation is not considered, it creates this thing called a drunk (no phonetic spelling here).  Now, add, what is normally, a simple task, such as driving a car, into the equation, and we have what I like to call....a menace (men-is)

The above picture is a result of that...

See, if you drink, and then you drive, there is a high probability that you will crash and  chances are I get to come and tell you what an idiot you are while performing my obligitory duties in taking care of your sorry ass (do I sound bitter???).

I don't even want to start...

So, to celebrate the holiday, I thought I would give you the top ten most stupid things I have been told from someone that I have rendered care to.  

Hold on to your ass, Fred....

10. "I wasn't going that fast"  This translates into, "sir, I was doing WELL under 90 when I hit that tree with full force."  Believe me, speeding is the least of your problems at this point.

9. "I was on my way home". Well, you must have gotten lost seeing your license says that you live in a city that is two counties the OTHER way.  I know it is hard now-a-days seeing that the only place to stop and ask for directions is a local dive bar where you have to have a couple of beers before you can get any info.....oh look, free wings.

8. "I am gonna sue".  Who???  The Catholic Church because God put the only tree on the side of the road that you found with the front end of your car?  You can't even remember your name let alone to call a lawyer. Have a Coke and shut the hell up.

7. "You can't take me to the hospital".  Sure I can, You see that big white truck over there...no, the one in the middle. It has four wheels, an engine, and lots of pretty lights on it.  Oh yeah, it is still in one piece too...I WIN!!!!

6. "What happened"  I will try to speak slow here.  You were driving home after a long night partying, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, this phone pole jumped out in front of you and just came out of no where.  You did everything you could to avoid it, but to no avail, you hit it.  It sure is a good thing that you had that sixth tall Miller Lite before you left, otherwise that pole might have missed you.

5."I have a child" Well, looks like they may need to find a new ride to soccer practice tomorrow.  Apparently Johnny Walker was a little more important to you than Johnny Junior.

4. "I don't have health insurance so I can't go". In about 3 days, you won't have a driver's license either.  I guess you can afford that insurance now.  I think there is a coupon in the Sunday paper for 20% off all emergency medical flights. Have your nurse bring you a copy.

3. "What happened". See the trend....

2. "Is my car bad?" Well, the good news is the hazard lights still work....

1. "I just don't want to get in trouble". Fear not friend, the stupidity fairy will come down and grant you the dumbass of despair mulligan and you can just go on your merry way.  But until he gets here, could you hold still? I have to plug you with the biggest needle I can find.

Be safe out there!!!!

Rounding Third and Heading Home,