30 November 2004
"Holes in the Floor of Heaven"
Dear Friends and Family,
Since March of this year, I have created a site that, for all intents and purposes, have grown from a place to vent about my job and the trials and tribulations that I have encountered as my job of being a paramedic.
Since then, I have grown very close to most of you sharing in your everyday lives and letting me become part of your family. With every entry I have written, you have responded with an absolution cheering me on or holding my hand. No matter what the case was, you have supported me and my decision to do whatever it takes to provide the utmost of care to the people that I serve.
You have inspired me, made me laugh, and most of all, have been my friend through these long months. For all of this, I must thank you.
December holds a lot for me other than the holiday season and the fact that my birthday falls on the beginning of the month. For me, December holds a gray day that will live with me for eternity.
On the 2nd of December, 1997, I lost my mother to her long battle with cancer.
For years, I have endured the pain and the agony she had gone through fighting the beast and coming out ahead of the game more often than not. The fight was long and hard and no matter what it took, my mother did it...and she did it with grace.
She never let her disease slow her down and never once referred to it as a handicap of any sorts. She created an inspiration as to everyone that she had met and, in some way, had touched their lives forever.
Even with a sickness, my mother had put herself last making sure that every one was taken care of and that no one went without before any of her needs were even remotely met.
Laying up in her bed, I remember a final conversation that we had staring at me with her beautiful brown eyes as she had made her peace with God telling me "not to worry. You will be taken care of forever. I have always had the utmost in faith in what you do and I am very proud that you are my son."
Later that night..my mother died.
I remember standing at the wake of her funeral greeting people as they approached to express their condolences hearing stories about my mother and how her presence in their lives will change them forever. People that my mom had never met, never corresponded with, came from all over the state to express their sorrow for her loss...heads hanging low..quivers in their voices. It was hard for them to be there, but they felt that they owed it to my mother.
As each person passed the coffin to view her and pay their final respects, a pink carnation was placed as a tribute to her and to honor her friendship in their lives.
In all there were over 400 pink carnations placed...and three white ones..representing my father, my brother, and myself.
Placing her into her final resting place, I remember the wind being blistering and piercing. People covered their faces, wrapped in scarfs and gloves as they watched her body being lowered into the ground. I stood and watched..oblivious to the cold that what ripping at my skin, unaware of the potential for frostbite...
Everyone else left to gather in her celebration...
I stood there for an hour...to say my good-bye.
A good-bye that I prayed would never come. A good-bye that changed my life forever.
I will be taking an absence from my site here as I need the time to get away and mourn my beloved best friend. Although it has been seven years that have passed, it was an eternity that had reached the heavens.
I know she is up there watching me...I can feel it everyday.
God Bless you, mom..and I love you.
Rounding Third and Heading Home,